Think Faith

Last summer we went to Bellevue’s Fourth of July fireworks display.  I thought it was a blast, and Will (2 years old at the time) loved it, too.  Tonight we went back to Bellevue for the annual Singing Christmas Tree.  It, too, was a top-notch performance.

In fact, I just felt like crying for no apparent reason on several occasions.  I had happy, fulfilling memories of my theatrical experiences.  I looked at my daughters in front of me and imagined them experimenting with music and theater someday.  I was moved by the excellence with which the production clearly strove to accomplish.  It made me want to pursue excellence in my own music.

So in the midst of this evocative experience, my three year son holds up a Bellevue registration card with a picture of a cross on it and exclaims, “Fireworks!”  I smiled, but deep inside I cherished that moment and was determined to lock-in that memory.

My son associates the cross of Jesus Christ with fireworks!

Obviously, he doesn’t understand, and there was no underlying meaning to his words.  However, it got me thinking:

When’s the last time I went to the foot of the cross and saw fireworks?

In grieving with a childhood friend as she deals with cancer treatment and other things, I thought of this beautiful and raw poetic meditation on Christ’s suffering by Bernard de Clairvaux.  In our own pain we must enter into His suffering, and we will find that He is with us even in this.

O sacred Head, now wounded, with grief and shame weighed down,
Now scornfully surrounded with thorns, Thine only crown;
O sacred Head, what glory, what bliss till now was Thine!
Yet, though despised and gory, I joy to call Thee mine.

What Thou, my Lord, hast suffered, was all for sinners’ gain;
Mine, mine was the transgression, but Thine the deadly pain.
Lo, here I fall, my Savior! ’Tis I deserve Thy place;
Look on me with Thy favor, vouchsafe to me Thy grace.

Men mock and taunt and jeer Thee, Thou noble countenance,
Though mighty worlds shall fear Thee and flee before Thy glance.
How art thou pale with anguish, with sore abuse and scorn!
How doth Thy visage languish that once was bright as morn!

Now from Thy cheeks has vanished their color once so fair;
From Thy red lips is banished the splendor that was there.
Grim death, with cruel rigor, hath robbed Thee of Thy life;
Thus Thou hast lost Thy vigor, Thy strength in this sad strife.

My burden in Thy Passion, Lord, Thou hast borne for me,
For it was my transgression which brought this woe on Thee.
I cast me down before Thee, wrath were my rightful lot;
Have mercy, I implore Thee; Redeemer, spurn me not!

What language shall I borrow to thank Thee, dearest friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow, Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever, and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never outlive my love to Thee.

My Shepherd, now receive me; my Guardian, own me Thine.
Great blessings Thou didst give me, O source of gifts divine.
Thy lips have often fed me with words of truth and love;
Thy Spirit oft hath led me to heavenly joys above.

Here I will stand beside Thee, from Thee I will not part;
O Savior, do not chide me! When breaks Thy loving heart,
When soul and body languish in death’s cold, cruel grasp,
Then, in Thy deepest anguish, Thee in mine arms I’ll clasp.

The joy can never be spoken, above all joys beside,
When in Thy body broken I thus with safety hide.
O Lord of Life, desiring Thy glory now to see,
Beside Thy cross expiring, I’d breathe my soul to Thee.

My Savior, be Thou near me when death is at my door;
Then let Thy presence cheer me, forsake me nevermore!
When soul and body languish, oh, leave me not alone,
But take away mine anguish by virtue of Thine own!

Be Thou my consolation, my shield when I must die;
Remind me of Thy passion when my last hour draws nigh.
Mine eyes shall then behold Thee, upon Thy cross shall dwell,
My heart by faith enfolds Thee. Who dieth thus dies well.

If you visit my music site, you will notice that my piano works are now free to download. Let me explain my decision to give away my music.

I have spent several years growing frustrated with a dream of supporting my family with my music, but God has only seen fit to reimburse me for the expenses of producing CDs and buying equipment. The more I felt like a failure in this regard, the more I grew frustrated with God. After all, there are solo piano composers out there who are successfully supporting their families with their music. Why not me? God wasn’t meeting my goals.

This past year the Holy Spirit impressed on me more than once that I should give the music away and trust Him for provision. Each time, I countered this with all the logical financial reasons for not doing so, and I grew more frustrated. This came to a head this past week.

During a piano session my mind went blank and I couldn’t remember many of my unrecorded songs. Then on Tuesday night, during a sermon by Ed Newton on the subject of idolatry, the Holy Spirit and I had a sit-down talk. I did the sitting and He did the talking. He convicted me that I had placed music, money and fame before Him. That I was more interested in my plans and how I expected God to use my music than in finding out what He wanted me to do with it. So I asked Him.

Once again, “Let it go. Give it away. I will provide for your family.” I brought up the same old arguments. He said the same thing again. “Let it go. Give it away. I will provide for your family.” I asked, “Are you sure, Father? It makes no financial sense.” Same response. And so I broke. I surrendered. I offered God my music. “Whatever you want, Father, I will do it. Just show me what to do.”

Broken and trying to hold back the tears I walked to the front of the church and knelt before Him and gave Him my dreams, my music, my everything. They are His now to do as He pleases. And so now, I play for an audience of One.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve had doubts and obstacles since then in accomplishing this, including the music website all of a sudden refusing to go into administration mode. I could read it, but I couldn’t edit it. Took a lot of Googling and digital surgery to find a solution, but why did it have to be this week?

Well, it’s back up now, and here I am…letting go…giving it away…trusting that God will provide.

So here’s how it works. For personal or non-profit use, you can download the music free of charge from the site. If you prefer to pay for the music, then you can click the donate button on the site’s sidebar, or visit the Buy page for more options. For commercial use, I still charge a licensing fee.

Part of this new direction is that I am also available to perform/preach/teach at your church, business, organization or house party. I simply request that you reimburse for expenses, and I accept donations or “love offerings”. My goal is to encourage believers in their faith and to introduce Christ to those who don’t know Him.

Please pray for me that I would continue to seek God’s wisdom as I move in this new direction with music. I don’t know what the future holds, but that’s in His hands. From now on, I want what the Father wants. Please pray for wisdom on my behalf, and I welcome your thoughts.

In His service,
John