John Albert Thomas Solo Piano

From Angst

Angst.  It’s the word that Becky used last night to describe my state of being over the past few years.  She said it made me emotionally absent.  I had to agree.

Before I trekked to Baborigame in southwestern Mexico last week, which I will describe in later posts, I struggled night and day with angst.  The underlying cause for this was once again discontentment.  This discontentment was both divine and demonic.  (Before thinking such a statement is sacrilegious, please read Job.)  Let me explain.

For years I would go to work and sit behind a computer screen, clocking hours, counting on the next paycheck to cover our monthly expenses.  This is a good reason to go to work, but not a perfectly good reason.  For years I have had little-to-no desire to be doing what I’m doing.  I’m good at what I do, but it’s not my passion.  My passion is music and ministry.  So I lived day in and day out with a spirit of discontentment, frustrated that I wasn’t doing what I felt God created me to do.

Every month or two I would quite naturally go through brainstorming sessions whenever a “cool idea” of making money popped into my head.  It was usually something creative that would fascilitate the transition from the computer world to a life of residual income where I could be free to focus on music and ministry.  I’d bounce the ideas off of my very patient friends, who would critique the ideas.  Were they John’s ideas, or were they God’s ideas?  I could never tell.  Every idea would come and go, and the next day I’d go back to my computer work to cover my monthly expenses.  And the angst would grow each time I went through this process.

Then came Mexico.  I worked with my pastor, John Horne, on a job site and I told him of my struggles with wanting to be in music and ministry.  And he told me something that I’ll never forget.  He said that sometimes, when we are seeking God’s will, He lets us struggle.  It prepares us for the answer.  Try to see your struggle as a positive thing.

I told him how I had idea after idea and I just couldn’t do them all.  He went on to say that God could funnel those ideas such that any or every one of them contributes to the answer.

That’s when the paradigm shift began.  The rest of the day and again at 4:30 a.m. the next morning.  At 4:30, I woke up and I felt that God wanted me to go outside.  I argued a little because it was below freezing.  I did it anyway and I looked up.  The moon shone brightly and millions of stars were shining.  He reminded me of His promise to Abraham, that his descendents by faith would be as numerous as the stars.   God showed me the source of my angst.

I went back inside and warmed myself by the pot-belly stove.  I cried and prayed.  At 6:30 a.m. I said, “Father, I’m tired of trying to figure out your will.”  I turned my notebook over to a blank page and laid my pen on it.  I shoved it across the table and said, “Father, you write it.”  I went up and tried to go back to sleep.

So what was my source of angst?  Simply this, I didn’t trust God. I didn’t trust Him to show me His will in His time and His way…at the best time and in the best way.  I didn’t trust Him enough to wait patiently and peacefully, with contentment.

So I came back to Memphis a changed man.  Everywhere I am is His mission field.  My job, my neighborhood, my church and my home.  It is enough to simply “trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.”

Last night, Becky used the word angst to describe what I was like before the trip.  But now the “old John” is back.  Instead of angst, she said, I now seem to have a peaceful and hopeful expectation.  I had to agree.

In His time and in His way He will reveal all things.

“We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.”  (Proverbs 16:9, NLT)

By His Wounds We Are Healed

In grieving with a childhood friend as she deals with cancer treatment and other things, I thought of this beautiful and raw poetic meditation on Christ’s suffering by Bernard de Clairvaux.  In our own pain we must enter into His suffering, and we will find that He is with us even in this.

O sacred Head, now wounded, with grief and shame weighed down,
Now scornfully surrounded with thorns, Thine only crown;
O sacred Head, what glory, what bliss till now was Thine!
Yet, though despised and gory, I joy to call Thee mine.

What Thou, my Lord, hast suffered, was all for sinners’ gain;
Mine, mine was the transgression, but Thine the deadly pain.
Lo, here I fall, my Savior! ’Tis I deserve Thy place;
Look on me with Thy favor, vouchsafe to me Thy grace.

Men mock and taunt and jeer Thee, Thou noble countenance,
Though mighty worlds shall fear Thee and flee before Thy glance.
How art thou pale with anguish, with sore abuse and scorn!
How doth Thy visage languish that once was bright as morn!

Now from Thy cheeks has vanished their color once so fair;
From Thy red lips is banished the splendor that was there.
Grim death, with cruel rigor, hath robbed Thee of Thy life;
Thus Thou hast lost Thy vigor, Thy strength in this sad strife.

My burden in Thy Passion, Lord, Thou hast borne for me,
For it was my transgression which brought this woe on Thee.
I cast me down before Thee, wrath were my rightful lot;
Have mercy, I implore Thee; Redeemer, spurn me not!

What language shall I borrow to thank Thee, dearest friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow, Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever, and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never outlive my love to Thee.

My Shepherd, now receive me; my Guardian, own me Thine.
Great blessings Thou didst give me, O source of gifts divine.
Thy lips have often fed me with words of truth and love;
Thy Spirit oft hath led me to heavenly joys above.

Here I will stand beside Thee, from Thee I will not part;
O Savior, do not chide me! When breaks Thy loving heart,
When soul and body languish in death’s cold, cruel grasp,
Then, in Thy deepest anguish, Thee in mine arms I’ll clasp.

The joy can never be spoken, above all joys beside,
When in Thy body broken I thus with safety hide.
O Lord of Life, desiring Thy glory now to see,
Beside Thy cross expiring, I’d breathe my soul to Thee.

My Savior, be Thou near me when death is at my door;
Then let Thy presence cheer me, forsake me nevermore!
When soul and body languish, oh, leave me not alone,
But take away mine anguish by virtue of Thine own!

Be Thou my consolation, my shield when I must die;
Remind me of Thy passion when my last hour draws nigh.
Mine eyes shall then behold Thee, upon Thy cross shall dwell,
My heart by faith enfolds Thee. Who dieth thus dies well.

A Wedding Called Off

Last night I had a dream.  It was an odd but sobering dream, and it’s worth sharing.

In my dream I got up to go to church early to setup chairs for the service.  When I got there the chairs were missing.  I looked all around the church, but I could not find them anywhere.  One of the elders said to go look in the back and so I did, but no sign of them.  When I came back to tell the elder, all the chair were setup.

The odd thing about them is that the back rows were facing the side of the church, and there was a bride in her wedding gown ready to walk down the aisle.  The front rows were correctly facing the pulpit.

I sat down to hear the preacher speak, and he seemed upset.  He said that he was supposed to officiate a wedding today but that he received new information about the groom that changed his mind about marrying the two.  Behind him on the screen he started to show a video of the groom as he behaved when he thought nobody was looking.  It was disturbing.  I felt uncomfortable peering into the private life of the groom.  He was clearly a different person outside the church.

The pastor said, “I cannot marry these two.  The groom has proven that he is not worthy of the bride.”

In front of me this one guy kept looking to the back of the church.  Upon closer inspection it was the groom, longing to be with the bride.  But he did not stand up and protest.  The video told no lies.  The wedding was called off.

After I woke up, I did go to the church and setup chairs.  Nothing missing.  But I had time to think about the dream.

When Christ returns, many of us will think that we are worthy enough to be carried across the threshold of His Heavenly home along with His Bride, but when the Father of the Groom stands to judge each one of us according to our thoughts, words and deeds what will the video show?  Do we honestly think that we are worthy enough?

The apostle Paul explained our predicament and the final solution like this:

For no one can ever be made right in God’s sight by doing what his law commands.  For the more we know God’s law, the clearer it becomes that we aren’t obeying it.

But now God has shown us a different way of being right in his sight–not by obeying the law but by the way promised in the Scriptures long ago.  We are made right in God’s sight when we trust in Jesus Christ to take away our sins.  And we all can be saved in this same way, no matter who we are or what we have done.

For all have sinned; all fall short of God’s glorious standard.  Yet now God in his gracious kindness declares us not guilty.  He has done this through Christ Jesus, who has freed us by taking away our sins.  For God sent Jesus to take the punishment for our sins and to satisfy God’s anger against us.  We are made right with God when we believe that Jesus shed his blood, sacrificing his life for us.  God was being entirely fair and just when he did not punish those who sinned in former times.  And he is entirely fair and just in this present time when he declares sinners to be right in his sight because they believe in Jesus.

Can we boast, then, that we have done anything to be accepted by God?  No, because our acquittal is not based on our good deeds.  It is based on our faith.  So we are made right with God through faith and not by obeying the law.

(Romans 3:20-28)

If you recognize that you are not worthy because of your sins, and if you believe that Jesus shed His blood for you, then by faith you shall be saved.  You will be joined to Christ along with the rest of His Bride, and one day He will carry you across the threshold of His Heavenly home.  Take this moment to call on Jesus.  Believe in Him, and you will find rest for your soul.