John Albert Thomas Solo Piano

The Faith Of A Child

Tonight at bedtime, out of the blue, Will (3 years old) said, “Jesus is behind me.”

I said, “Where?”

He reach behind him and said, “Right there.”

He rolled over and said, “Hi, Jesus.  I love you so much.”

Then he reached out his arms and gave him a big hug.

That’s what I’m talking about!

From Angst

Angst.  It’s the word that Becky used last night to describe my state of being over the past few years.  She said it made me emotionally absent.  I had to agree.

Before I trekked to Baborigame in southwestern Mexico last week, which I will describe in later posts, I struggled night and day with angst.  The underlying cause for this was once again discontentment.  This discontentment was both divine and demonic.  (Before thinking such a statement is sacrilegious, please read Job.)  Let me explain.

For years I would go to work and sit behind a computer screen, clocking hours, counting on the next paycheck to cover our monthly expenses.  This is a good reason to go to work, but not a perfectly good reason.  For years I have had little-to-no desire to be doing what I’m doing.  I’m good at what I do, but it’s not my passion.  My passion is music and ministry.  So I lived day in and day out with a spirit of discontentment, frustrated that I wasn’t doing what I felt God created me to do.

Every month or two I would quite naturally go through brainstorming sessions whenever a “cool idea” of making money popped into my head.  It was usually something creative that would fascilitate the transition from the computer world to a life of residual income where I could be free to focus on music and ministry.  I’d bounce the ideas off of my very patient friends, who would critique the ideas.  Were they John’s ideas, or were they God’s ideas?  I could never tell.  Every idea would come and go, and the next day I’d go back to my computer work to cover my monthly expenses.  And the angst would grow each time I went through this process.

Then came Mexico.  I worked with my pastor, John Horne, on a job site and I told him of my struggles with wanting to be in music and ministry.  And he told me something that I’ll never forget.  He said that sometimes, when we are seeking God’s will, He lets us struggle.  It prepares us for the answer.  Try to see your struggle as a positive thing.

I told him how I had idea after idea and I just couldn’t do them all.  He went on to say that God could funnel those ideas such that any or every one of them contributes to the answer.

That’s when the paradigm shift began.  The rest of the day and again at 4:30 a.m. the next morning.  At 4:30, I woke up and I felt that God wanted me to go outside.  I argued a little because it was below freezing.  I did it anyway and I looked up.  The moon shone brightly and millions of stars were shining.  He reminded me of His promise to Abraham, that his descendents by faith would be as numerous as the stars.   God showed me the source of my angst.

I went back inside and warmed myself by the pot-belly stove.  I cried and prayed.  At 6:30 a.m. I said, “Father, I’m tired of trying to figure out your will.”  I turned my notebook over to a blank page and laid my pen on it.  I shoved it across the table and said, “Father, you write it.”  I went up and tried to go back to sleep.

So what was my source of angst?  Simply this, I didn’t trust God. I didn’t trust Him to show me His will in His time and His way…at the best time and in the best way.  I didn’t trust Him enough to wait patiently and peacefully, with contentment.

So I came back to Memphis a changed man.  Everywhere I am is His mission field.  My job, my neighborhood, my church and my home.  It is enough to simply “trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.”

Last night, Becky used the word angst to describe what I was like before the trip.  But now the “old John” is back.  Instead of angst, she said, I now seem to have a peaceful and hopeful expectation.  I had to agree.

In His time and in His way He will reveal all things.

“We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.”  (Proverbs 16:9, NLT)

The Old Rugged Fireworks?

Last summer we went to Bellevue’s Fourth of July fireworks display.  I thought it was a blast, and Will (2 years old at the time) loved it, too.  Tonight we went back to Bellevue for the annual Singing Christmas Tree.  It, too, was a top-notch performance.

In fact, I just felt like crying for no apparent reason on several occasions.  I had happy, fulfilling memories of my theatrical experiences.  I looked at my daughters in front of me and imagined them experimenting with music and theater someday.  I was moved by the excellence with which the production clearly strove to accomplish.  It made me want to pursue excellence in my own music.

So in the midst of this evocative experience, my three year son holds up a Bellevue registration card with a picture of a cross on it and exclaims, “Fireworks!”  I smiled, but deep inside I cherished that moment and was determined to lock-in that memory.

My son associates the cross of Jesus Christ with fireworks!

Obviously, he doesn’t understand, and there was no underlying meaning to his words.  However, it got me thinking:

When’s the last time I went to the foot of the cross and saw fireworks?